Just last week I was sitting in a cafe eating banana bread, drinking coffee, getting down with the sunshine sitting on a table adjoining two men – over-gymed, gay, 30s, gossiping in the soft palate’d haughty middle class Sydney accent that pounds out of Sydney's Inner East. I was pondering writing blogs about Australia, and they were talking about all kinds of random - it became clear they were catching up after several years of not having seen each other. Their discussion kept meandering back to how when one returns to Sydney from Europe, Japan, the US there was a general shift in the quality of chat. Besides being loud enough for a six table radius to hear of their pomp and circumstance they did strike a chord with my blog contemplations; namely, is there any good chat in Aus? Well, it would be libellous to presume in any country there is NO good chat. Even within regimes where certain conversation is banned - either topics, or restrictions on whom you can converse with - there are people banging out great chat - infact, maybe more so. Take Dada, a cultural movement spurred on by the fact everyone else was getting busy with war chat* (it's not quite that simple but you catch my drift.)
In Australia the sun is shining, the morning comes before the rest of the world goes to bed and there are platypuses - the weirdest creature ever invented. There is sea everywhere (round the edge) and the current Prime Minister was the first ever to apologise to the Aborigines for the horrendous treatment at the hands of the settling population; specifically the events surrounding lost and the stolen generations. So leaving that as another discussion for the well informed it’s fair to say there is plenty of fodder for great chat down under. Then again, is it too easy to just talk about shrimps and sun? The British have a name in the rest of the world for moaning and tearing anything apart. The fact that more people should know David Cameron's clearly a twat is discussed and even though the Mori Polls would try and convince you otherwise, and although many may not arse going out and voting in elections any more (except X Factor) there will always be some chat rattling around about current affairs. But spend 24 hours getting yourself to the other side of the world and people seem continually surprised that you would want to talk about politics, or anything, besides the sun. This fine country (and Manly** no less) has produced the easiest to caricature opposition leader I've ever had the pleasure to read about. He's a dream, harbouring many a crazy confused left wing view, but, Tony Abbott*** is better known for budgie smugglers and swearing in interviews as he is for being an actual politician.
I am not ungrateful it's sunny, but I don't see why just because the weather is more conducive to 'thongs' and 'bbqs' there should be any less discussion of what's going on, is it not worth taking an interest? Then again, (I am aware there is some fierce generalisation going down here) if people generally choose to live anywhere like Manly (besides if their job's primary action is surfing which makes it a reasonable place for settlement) then they can stay here. And they can talk about buying girlfriends, drinking corona for $8 as long as they make sure they don't talk too loudly about how their great friend Mrs Abbott husband's*** new position at work is going very well.
*DADA is an artistic movement formed in Zurich during WW1. It was a wee bit bonkers.
**The shit hole where I work, you have to get a ferry from central Sydney.
***Take a look www.crikey.com.au/topic/tony-abbott/
Monday, 15 February 2010
Thursday, 4 February 2010
A kookaburra tried to nick some roo from my barbie then a dingo stole my baby
Having now spent a rocking and rolling two months in Sydney town and a little longer down under all in, I feel I am now in the right place to comment on the Queen's only continent. This may also be the right time to apologise to my readers (myself and Alan) for the self indulgent shizzle I rambled out in 'Humiliation' and 'Sickies' (although my sick day ponderings were more of a public service announcement) and I promise to follow them up with a burst of incisive, no holds barred, razor-sharp commentary on the land of Oz*.
So pour yourself another gin and settle in for some Holy Moly level bitchin', some Guardian style typos and perhaps a little tabloid enthused creative license. This is Australia, but not as Mark Anthony “Baz” Luhrmann would have you believe...
*Cliché Camel represents y’all.
So pour yourself another gin and settle in for some Holy Moly level bitchin', some Guardian style typos and perhaps a little tabloid enthused creative license. This is Australia, but not as Mark Anthony “Baz” Luhrmann would have you believe...
*Cliché Camel represents y’all.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Alternative Medicine: Sick Days
In my working life there have been several days I planned stepping out into the road without looking (properly) just to get a couple of days off. It seems to me, that with shit jobs, it appears more likely that one would call in with croaky morning throat sound effects and not be believed, and why? Because your hatred of the job must be apparent to others in the office yes? Therefore every time you contemplate calling in sick for normal sickness, hot flushes, cough and a banging headache it seems these symptoms become signs of deviousness and a calculated way of receiving more days off without booking annual leave.
Here are some cunning ways to call in sick to a job that may not believe you would genuinely EVER be sick just because they know you hate being underpaid and bored all day long*
Food poisoning Now this is a pretty straight forward one, but it doesn't do any harm to mention you're off to Heston Bloomingdale's several times in the lead up to your proposed day(s) off. Remember though, thou doth protest too much isn't a cliché for nothing. Don't mention it more than twice - let it sink into several co-workers’ consciousness but not their frontal lobe. Your second day off is because you've only managed to eat two digestives and you brought back up your toast when you were getting ready to return to work.
Burglary Two options here: you can either pay someone last month's salary to smash up your office, or more practically you can wake up to find OH NO the TV's gone and my auntie's gold heirlooms.
Falling off the ferry Now - this one is rather geographically specific but let's think of ferry as being any part of your journey to work that involves water. A canal, river or puddle will do. No-one wants to sit next to someone slowly mouldering in their swivel chair and smelling like frogspawn. Downsides include, risk of death by boat or pneumonia and worse - you may have to attend the office to prove your incapable of doing anything but ‘working from home’.
Getting run over Now this may seem a little extreme in practice but it's time consuming planning this one off event properly - helping you wend away the hours in work the day before your tragic mishap. Several things to bear in mind. Firstly, do you want to get bumped first thing, on the coffee run, or at lunch? Secondly, how do you go about calling in, which in turn effects the third point of consideration, did your collision involve a trip to A&E? Fourthly, injuries, obviously broken bones can be a challenge to fake so stick to mild concussion and large bruises in 'embarrassing' places. i.e. a bruise on the shin maybe available for morbid colleagues to peer at, stick with ass and belly as you're least likely to get these out on a bad day, let alone when they're all yellow and blue. If you go for the ass, remember it’s going to hurt to sit at a desk for too long (more than twenty minutes).
You've decided that you'd rather dance around in racoon poo and have rotten milk in your tea than go into work this morning. ‘Nuff said.
So, it may seem like taking a day off is as complicated as installing wired intranet system for fifteen people in subzero conditions and gale force icy winds but it is immeasurably more fun. Try it, and for tips on getting hit by a car please feel free to contact Ms Caitlin Skinner who was once bruised by one of the pesky polluting machines on Princess St.
(If you like your job this is not for you, as we all know if anything but a cheeky pest urchin devoid of stimulation/pocket money in the work place you only take genuine sick days if you're trusted to do your job well regardless.)
*No businesses were harmed in the writing of this blog, just my soul, oh look, another chunk just fell to the floor with a gigantuous clunk.
Here are some cunning ways to call in sick to a job that may not believe you would genuinely EVER be sick just because they know you hate being underpaid and bored all day long*
Food poisoning Now this is a pretty straight forward one, but it doesn't do any harm to mention you're off to Heston Bloomingdale's several times in the lead up to your proposed day(s) off. Remember though, thou doth protest too much isn't a cliché for nothing. Don't mention it more than twice - let it sink into several co-workers’ consciousness but not their frontal lobe. Your second day off is because you've only managed to eat two digestives and you brought back up your toast when you were getting ready to return to work.
Burglary Two options here: you can either pay someone last month's salary to smash up your office, or more practically you can wake up to find OH NO the TV's gone and my auntie's gold heirlooms.
Falling off the ferry Now - this one is rather geographically specific but let's think of ferry as being any part of your journey to work that involves water. A canal, river or puddle will do. No-one wants to sit next to someone slowly mouldering in their swivel chair and smelling like frogspawn. Downsides include, risk of death by boat or pneumonia and worse - you may have to attend the office to prove your incapable of doing anything but ‘working from home’.
Getting run over Now this may seem a little extreme in practice but it's time consuming planning this one off event properly - helping you wend away the hours in work the day before your tragic mishap. Several things to bear in mind. Firstly, do you want to get bumped first thing, on the coffee run, or at lunch? Secondly, how do you go about calling in, which in turn effects the third point of consideration, did your collision involve a trip to A&E? Fourthly, injuries, obviously broken bones can be a challenge to fake so stick to mild concussion and large bruises in 'embarrassing' places. i.e. a bruise on the shin maybe available for morbid colleagues to peer at, stick with ass and belly as you're least likely to get these out on a bad day, let alone when they're all yellow and blue. If you go for the ass, remember it’s going to hurt to sit at a desk for too long (more than twenty minutes).
You've decided that you'd rather dance around in racoon poo and have rotten milk in your tea than go into work this morning. ‘Nuff said.
So, it may seem like taking a day off is as complicated as installing wired intranet system for fifteen people in subzero conditions and gale force icy winds but it is immeasurably more fun. Try it, and for tips on getting hit by a car please feel free to contact Ms Caitlin Skinner who was once bruised by one of the pesky polluting machines on Princess St.
(If you like your job this is not for you, as we all know if anything but a cheeky pest urchin devoid of stimulation/pocket money in the work place you only take genuine sick days if you're trusted to do your job well regardless.)
*No businesses were harmed in the writing of this blog, just my soul, oh look, another chunk just fell to the floor with a gigantuous clunk.
An idiot’s guide to humiliation
First and foremost you have to make sure you are putting yourself in a position out of your comfort zone. Then, find someone to support your humiliation. This supporting role can be entirely straight forward or more complex. Often the easiest way to set this up is to make sure the supporter has no idea what you're trying to achieve. For example, you want to complete a record time upside-down in the handstand arena - the supporter is the person holding your legs once you are upright. So, say you're wearing a flimsy flowery topshop skirt your supporter has to be blissfully unaware they are going to help you air your dirty laundry. Following? Good. As I previously said ignorance is a good way to start, also, if it's easier to be unspecific than provide any clarity for your supporter you’re already off to a head start.
So, we have a supporter - and the starring role goes to you. Think of all those nativities where you played a sheep - yes, this is your chance to be Joseph. The most important thing to remember is to give your supporter any opportunity to remark on how you're clearly several pegs short of a tent - always make sure you don't get to the point of the altercation - back in the record-breaking headstand scenario once you've shown Chris Akabusi your pants give up immediately. Bear in mind the main aim - you are not out there to achieve anything. There are several situations where there are added extras. Tears, dribbling a little, sweating profusely, liquids and general bodily fluids can help - but all in once you may be having a fit so watch out for that.
Join me tomorrow for a ‘how to’ on playing dead on train tracks.
So, we have a supporter - and the starring role goes to you. Think of all those nativities where you played a sheep - yes, this is your chance to be Joseph. The most important thing to remember is to give your supporter any opportunity to remark on how you're clearly several pegs short of a tent - always make sure you don't get to the point of the altercation - back in the record-breaking headstand scenario once you've shown Chris Akabusi your pants give up immediately. Bear in mind the main aim - you are not out there to achieve anything. There are several situations where there are added extras. Tears, dribbling a little, sweating profusely, liquids and general bodily fluids can help - but all in once you may be having a fit so watch out for that.
Join me tomorrow for a ‘how to’ on playing dead on train tracks.
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Brit 2010 Award Nominations. Vol 2.
So, it seems studying the Brits 2010 nominations more than once in one week is nothing short of a chore. But, for my three faithful readers, I soldier on. To keep this interesting I will endeavour to slip in further Robbie Williams and Flight Of The Conchords quotes and lyrics (now that would be a duet to rival Leon Jackson and Kylie Minogue).
BRITs Album of 30 Years - After some hardcore interweb trawling I discovered that there has been no such award to celebrate previous Brits decade landmarks; deeming this award even more ridiculous than its insanely odd nominees. To give this a little context the BPI Awards began in 1980 and we're renamed Britannia Music Awards in 1989 hence the rebranding with nickname Brits. In the last 30 years, these things have happened in worlds of politics and music.
1982 - Michael Jackson's Thriller goes on general release.
1989 - Berlin Wall pulled down.
1990 - Margaret Thatcher, the longest serving Prime-Minister of the 20th Century and only ever woman to serve in the role; resigns.
1991 - Freddie Mercury dies of AIDS aged 45
1996 - Jay-Z releases his first album Reasonable Doubt on record label Roc-A-Fella Records created by himself, Damon Dash and Kareem Biggs
1998 - B*Witched album B*Witched is released, the first four singles are all UK number ones.
2001 - On September 11th passenger jets are flown into the World Trade Centres in NY.
2004 - Boxing Day Tsunami kills nearly 230,000 people in fourteen countries.
2009 - The first African American US President is inaugurated.
Bearing this in mind... the nominees for 'BRITs Album of 30 years' are:
Coldplay: A Rush of Blood to the Head.
Dido: No Angel
Dire Straits: Brothers in Arms
Duffy: Rockferry
Keane: Hopes & Fears
Oasis: (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?
Phil Collins: No Jacket Required
Sade: Diamond Life
The Verve: Urban Hymns
Travis: The Man Who
International Female Solo Artist
Lady Gaga - Gaga ooh la la. Work it Stephanie.
Ladyhawke - is a band
Norah Jones - eh?
Rihanna - So just pull the trigger.
Shakira - Her hips don't lie.
International Male Solo Artist
Bruce Springsteen - Glastonbury 2009
Eminem - Glastonburried
Jay-Z - Glasto-mutha-shinging-bury
Michael Buble - Glasto-shaaabaa-be-bury
Seasick Steve - That tramp what lives in Glastonbury
International Album
Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavilion - Meh
Black Eyed Peas: The End - Its ‘E.N.D’ brits.com
Empire of the Sun: Walking on a Dream - Youtube their Arias* acceptance speeches to see why this should NEVER EVER BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN.
Jay-Z: The Blueprint 3 - In moo york
Lady Gaga: The Fame - Touch my sugar cubes
*Australian music industry awards. Presented by an over-excited Sally off Home & Away. (Winners included Kiwi's if they have an Aussie postage stamp in their wallet for more than one month)
Only two to go, take a deep breath
International Breakthrough Act
Animal Collective - Bleughh
Daniel Merriweather - Just crawl up somewhere and bleed.
Empire of the Sun - Oh gawwwd.
Lady Gaga – You could be a part-time model.
Taylor Swift - Is Kayne invited?
Outstanding Contribution Award
Robbie Williams - No that's it, Sorry. I'm done. This is shagging ridiculous. If you want Robbie lyrics you can read BRITs 2010 vol. one.
BRITs Album of 30 Years - After some hardcore interweb trawling I discovered that there has been no such award to celebrate previous Brits decade landmarks; deeming this award even more ridiculous than its insanely odd nominees. To give this a little context the BPI Awards began in 1980 and we're renamed Britannia Music Awards in 1989 hence the rebranding with nickname Brits. In the last 30 years, these things have happened in worlds of politics and music.
1982 - Michael Jackson's Thriller goes on general release.
1989 - Berlin Wall pulled down.
1990 - Margaret Thatcher, the longest serving Prime-Minister of the 20th Century and only ever woman to serve in the role; resigns.
1991 - Freddie Mercury dies of AIDS aged 45
1996 - Jay-Z releases his first album Reasonable Doubt on record label Roc-A-Fella Records created by himself, Damon Dash and Kareem Biggs
1998 - B*Witched album B*Witched is released, the first four singles are all UK number ones.
2001 - On September 11th passenger jets are flown into the World Trade Centres in NY.
2004 - Boxing Day Tsunami kills nearly 230,000 people in fourteen countries.
2009 - The first African American US President is inaugurated.
Bearing this in mind... the nominees for 'BRITs Album of 30 years' are:
Coldplay: A Rush of Blood to the Head.
Dido: No Angel
Dire Straits: Brothers in Arms
Duffy: Rockferry
Keane: Hopes & Fears
Oasis: (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?
Phil Collins: No Jacket Required
Sade: Diamond Life
The Verve: Urban Hymns
Travis: The Man Who
International Female Solo Artist
Lady Gaga - Gaga ooh la la. Work it Stephanie.
Ladyhawke - is a band
Norah Jones - eh?
Rihanna - So just pull the trigger.
Shakira - Her hips don't lie.
International Male Solo Artist
Bruce Springsteen - Glastonbury 2009
Eminem - Glastonburried
Jay-Z - Glasto-mutha-shinging-bury
Michael Buble - Glasto-shaaabaa-be-bury
Seasick Steve - That tramp what lives in Glastonbury
International Album
Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavilion - Meh
Black Eyed Peas: The End - Its ‘E.N.D’ brits.com
Empire of the Sun: Walking on a Dream - Youtube their Arias* acceptance speeches to see why this should NEVER EVER BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN.
Jay-Z: The Blueprint 3 - In moo york
Lady Gaga: The Fame - Touch my sugar cubes
*Australian music industry awards. Presented by an over-excited Sally off Home & Away. (Winners included Kiwi's if they have an Aussie postage stamp in their wallet for more than one month)
Only two to go, take a deep breath
International Breakthrough Act
Animal Collective - Bleughh
Daniel Merriweather - Just crawl up somewhere and bleed.
Empire of the Sun - Oh gawwwd.
Lady Gaga – You could be a part-time model.
Taylor Swift - Is Kayne invited?
Outstanding Contribution Award
Robbie Williams - No that's it, Sorry. I'm done. This is shagging ridiculous. If you want Robbie lyrics you can read BRITs 2010 vol. one.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Brit Award Nominations 2010
So, the 30th Brit Awards nominees have been announced by Ferne 'doesn't like drinking, just likes banging' Cotton. Bring on Cotton dressed as the 6th member of Girls Aloud - and here comes the news we've all been waiting for, yes the big G.A will be performing again at the 2010 event.. Sorry? Ah I see, nope the Geordie one will be performing* solo at the event. She realised another single? What? Will.I.AM off the Black Eyed Peas has adopted her in a weird street dancing come producing outfit? Dang blast that's annoying. I'd super hoped she'd perform "love ain't no picnic, it ain't no walk in the park' (no Chez it's not, it's an abstract noun) again. That would be amazing. Maybe as a yellow street fighter this time and Uma Thurman can do some yellow-suited sword tricks in the background. ANYWAY. I digress.
*Please note I would prefer to see Dannii Minogue performing the classic Put The Needle On It in Per Una's pregnancy line.
Go Cotton, read the prompts like you've never read them before (it's not like everyone's management will already know who's nominated for what to make sure someone off Pop turns up.)
First up, British Female Solo Artist
Bat for Lashes - 'Tash can play autoharp
Florence & the Machine – Is/are they/her not a Band
Leona Lewis - At GGs. Not in a film; 'hates' pointless publicity.
Lily Allen - Erm.
Pixie Lott - There are too many Pixies knocking about. I can’t keep up.
British Male Solo Artist
Calvin Harris - Bodies in the Bodhi tree
Dizzee Rascal - Bodies making chemistry
Mika - Bodies on my family
Paolo Nutini - Bodies in the way of me
Robbie Williams - With lyrics like this?
British Breakthrough Act, I would love to see this award based on the best break-in, instead of a Radio 1 phone vote, each act has to do a televised burglary, recorded on crap secret cameras used previously on Noel's House Party.
Florence & the Machine - They were nominated last year so this really shouldn't count.
Friendly Fires - Breakthrough?
JLS - Ah this one's for Louis
La Roux - Refer above
Pixie Lott - The same Pixie?
British Group - Suggested award prefix: Katie Price can name this
Doves
Friendly Fires
JLS - BINGO
Kasabian
Muse
MasterCard British Album - My silent protest for SuBo starts...
Dizzee Rascal - Tongue n’Cheek
Florence & the Machine - Lungs
Kasabian - West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum
Lily Allen - It’s Not Me, It’s You
Paolo Nutini - Sunny Side Up ... and ends here.
British Single - Suggested award prefix: If you have appeared on reality TV then you will be nominated for
Alesha Dixon: Breathe Slow - She IS very pretty and super lovely.
Alexandra Burke Ft Flo Rida: Bad Boys - have herpies
Cheryl Cole: Fight For This Love - Still?
Joe McElderry: The Climb - Now it's gone from the sublime to the bloody chuffing ridiculous
JLS: Beat Again - What happened to Ruth Lorenzo
La Roux: In For The Kill - Sold to a tele-box phone company advert brand thing.
Lily Allen: The Fear - Not as scared as you will be when Keith sees you've done another naked magazine shoot.
Pixie Lott: Mama Do - Refer above above
Taio Cruz: Break Your Heart - In the words of K$sha: blah blah
Tinchy Stryder Ft N-Dubz: Number 1 - There's a worm at the bottom of the garden, and his name is wiggley-woo.
Critics' Choice
Ellie Goulding - Yeah GO female singer song writers, I say we're one more off saturation. Ellie Goulding & K$sha FIGHT
Delphic - Hot Chip meets 2010 in a dark alley in 2009. Charming vocals though.
Marina and the Diamonds - Oh yeah, sorry the FIGHT should be Ellie and Marina... Maybe Jarvis Cocker can oversee.
Here's the thing. I still have seven categories to go through and I'm exhausted and I think we can all see the level of thought and insight has ground to a halt. I'll leave you with a conundrum and we'll regroup for some Internationals and the well known BRITs Album of 30 Years Award.
The Been-a-rough-ride-09 Best Artist
Cheryl Cole - She's SO brave
Joe McElderry - Bloody facebook stole my number one, nasty facebook
Leona Lewis - Seriously, was there even an album? OH YEAH Happy - that's right.
Robbie Williams - Never forget that Take That don't really want you back. Kisses.
Here's me off to check whether they did a BRITs Album of * Years Award in 1990 and 1980...
*Please note I would prefer to see Dannii Minogue performing the classic Put The Needle On It in Per Una's pregnancy line.
Go Cotton, read the prompts like you've never read them before (it's not like everyone's management will already know who's nominated for what to make sure someone off Pop turns up.)
First up, British Female Solo Artist
Bat for Lashes - 'Tash can play autoharp
Florence & the Machine – Is/are they/her not a Band
Leona Lewis - At GGs. Not in a film; 'hates' pointless publicity.
Lily Allen - Erm.
Pixie Lott - There are too many Pixies knocking about. I can’t keep up.
British Male Solo Artist
Calvin Harris - Bodies in the Bodhi tree
Dizzee Rascal - Bodies making chemistry
Mika - Bodies on my family
Paolo Nutini - Bodies in the way of me
Robbie Williams - With lyrics like this?
British Breakthrough Act, I would love to see this award based on the best break-in, instead of a Radio 1 phone vote, each act has to do a televised burglary, recorded on crap secret cameras used previously on Noel's House Party.
Florence & the Machine - They were nominated last year so this really shouldn't count.
Friendly Fires - Breakthrough?
JLS - Ah this one's for Louis
La Roux - Refer above
Pixie Lott - The same Pixie?
British Group - Suggested award prefix: Katie Price can name this
Doves
Friendly Fires
JLS - BINGO
Kasabian
Muse
MasterCard British Album - My silent protest for SuBo starts...
Dizzee Rascal - Tongue n’Cheek
Florence & the Machine - Lungs
Kasabian - West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum
Lily Allen - It’s Not Me, It’s You
Paolo Nutini - Sunny Side Up ... and ends here.
British Single - Suggested award prefix: If you have appeared on reality TV then you will be nominated for
Alesha Dixon: Breathe Slow - She IS very pretty and super lovely.
Alexandra Burke Ft Flo Rida: Bad Boys - have herpies
Cheryl Cole: Fight For This Love - Still?
Joe McElderry: The Climb - Now it's gone from the sublime to the bloody chuffing ridiculous
JLS: Beat Again - What happened to Ruth Lorenzo
La Roux: In For The Kill - Sold to a tele-box phone company advert brand thing.
Lily Allen: The Fear - Not as scared as you will be when Keith sees you've done another naked magazine shoot.
Pixie Lott: Mama Do - Refer above above
Taio Cruz: Break Your Heart - In the words of K$sha: blah blah
Tinchy Stryder Ft N-Dubz: Number 1 - There's a worm at the bottom of the garden, and his name is wiggley-woo.
Critics' Choice
Ellie Goulding - Yeah GO female singer song writers, I say we're one more off saturation. Ellie Goulding & K$sha FIGHT
Delphic - Hot Chip meets 2010 in a dark alley in 2009. Charming vocals though.
Marina and the Diamonds - Oh yeah, sorry the FIGHT should be Ellie and Marina... Maybe Jarvis Cocker can oversee.
Here's the thing. I still have seven categories to go through and I'm exhausted and I think we can all see the level of thought and insight has ground to a halt. I'll leave you with a conundrum and we'll regroup for some Internationals and the well known BRITs Album of 30 Years Award.
The Been-a-rough-ride-09 Best Artist
Cheryl Cole - She's SO brave
Joe McElderry - Bloody facebook stole my number one, nasty facebook
Leona Lewis - Seriously, was there even an album? OH YEAH Happy - that's right.
Robbie Williams - Never forget that Take That don't really want you back. Kisses.
Here's me off to check whether they did a BRITs Album of * Years Award in 1990 and 1980...
Monday, 18 January 2010
Orange Highlighters
Aged fifteen, I got into a fair few corners, scrapes and brushes with the powers that be, mostly the head of year nine. The icing on the cake was an end of year geography exam in which I became so disinterested with 90 minutes in one room, my desk exactly one metre from Jenny Briggs on my left and the door on my right that I decided to use my learned vocabulary rather than employ guess work to describe geographical terms. If you cast your mind back, in school the pen was the tool of the mind, the sword of studies, the link to a brighter future. I always used to find that my parker fountain pen wanted to take me, and my creative juices, places not necessarily on the curriculum - having spent four pounds on special parker cartridges, it was my ink.
Tattooists’ ink marks for ever, as do BSG jabs and scars on the forehead. Apparently geography inspired cheek does the same. Filling out an essay question on precipitation and its affect on urban centres, (YES, effectively what happens to rain on contact with concrete) my brain powered up and my parker went to work. Culminating in a line that was to be photocopied at least four times, so it could be highlighted without smudging ink onto a much treasured orange highlighter nib. "So, in conclusion, I don't really care about precipitation OR its affect on urban centres and seeing as this is the end of my geography career I think I may as well go out with a bang." (Bang in capitals.)
I have trawled through my school history and drawn out this enlightening tale of parker pens and overactive imaginations to illustrate how year nine geography exams invoked exactly the same feeling as insurance does in my brain lands. The only difference is, it’s brokers not precipitation and organiseit (not even a word) rather than geography. If I flip reverse this however, I do realise there is one person in their job ever who hated it more than me: my year nine geography teacher. If now by chance, I chanced across a policy renewal in which a broker mentioned it was the end of their insurance career and they would rather go out with a bang (bang in capitals) I would send it round the office with a NB saying although the turn of phrase is rather teenage in its application, it is a good and a true one, and then I would take the orange highlighter sitting on my desk, highlight something with smudging properties and throw it in the air conditioning unit and watch everyone gradually turning into sunnyD.
Tattooists’ ink marks for ever, as do BSG jabs and scars on the forehead. Apparently geography inspired cheek does the same. Filling out an essay question on precipitation and its affect on urban centres, (YES, effectively what happens to rain on contact with concrete) my brain powered up and my parker went to work. Culminating in a line that was to be photocopied at least four times, so it could be highlighted without smudging ink onto a much treasured orange highlighter nib. "So, in conclusion, I don't really care about precipitation OR its affect on urban centres and seeing as this is the end of my geography career I think I may as well go out with a bang." (Bang in capitals.)
I have trawled through my school history and drawn out this enlightening tale of parker pens and overactive imaginations to illustrate how year nine geography exams invoked exactly the same feeling as insurance does in my brain lands. The only difference is, it’s brokers not precipitation and organiseit (not even a word) rather than geography. If I flip reverse this however, I do realise there is one person in their job ever who hated it more than me: my year nine geography teacher. If now by chance, I chanced across a policy renewal in which a broker mentioned it was the end of their insurance career and they would rather go out with a bang (bang in capitals) I would send it round the office with a NB saying although the turn of phrase is rather teenage in its application, it is a good and a true one, and then I would take the orange highlighter sitting on my desk, highlight something with smudging properties and throw it in the air conditioning unit and watch everyone gradually turning into sunnyD.
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