Honestly?

How much do people genuinely appreciate honesty? I’ve been spending rather a large amount of time being honest with people recently, and the rest of the time lying. Is it best to lay your cards on the table or is it better to respect other people’s traditions and ideals and keep them happy? Intense pondering has led me to some my favourite straight forward opportunities where there is ample opportunity to just be plain honest - all depending on how much one values their sanity.

The compliment request: If someone is fishing for a compliment is it best to give them what they want? It’s tricky as these requests come from many different places – from ‘I totally am amazing’ through to ‘I’m paranoid about everything and I feel rubbish and I think I look rubbish and oh lord is the world about to end and please please grant me this one nice thing or the world will end’ – the latter may just need some vodka by means of response – but it's also the perfect place to chuck in some curve ball honesty, something straight forward like ‘you’re wonderful’.

When responding to compliment fishing people often shoot from the hip with such gems as ‘if you like them’ ‘they’re very in’ OR my personal favourite – through gritted teeth – ‘they’re very you’. I take great issue with the phrase, ‘they’re very you’ ‘it’s very you’ ‘you’re so you, Mim.’ Fuck off. Of course I’m me you idiot (is the willed, but silent response; out loud) Oh really? Yeah, it's cool indeed. Thus being me is tantamount to being really rather cool. But thoroughly, knife twistingly honest, as I’m pretty sure ‘they're very you’ actually means ‘they revolt me as do you’.

It’s personal: The most tangible kinds of honesty are the worst, staving off mental break downs, guarding friendships, supporting decision making. Honesty and instinct is often the most sensible and genuine way to go but it’s not always so easy. ‘No I completely think you’ve done the right thing,’ is a great opener, but only if it definitely isn’t going to end with ‘but you’re still crying loads and let’s be honest, this is all over a cheese and tuna melt from upper crust.’

New acquaintances and exit greetings: ‘It was lovely to meet you, you cantankerous old racist you, lovely, just lovely.’ Best not to be too candid.

Weddings: Ah ha, always a dangerous one as there’s all that free wine; honesty and fantasy come together so well after a nice bottle or two of Rioja. ‘You really got married? Well, it’s not for me, but congrats all the same,’ followed with the final, assertive, ‘and I mean that, I think you’re very brave.’

Interviews: 'Describe myself in three words? Wee. Bit. Drunk.'

All in all there are six million, four hundred and thirteen different awkward social traditions and situations in which there’s an honesty conundrum*. And if like me, you find it hard to keep your larynx from indulging in a spot of hilarious honesty tourettes, you can always worry about it for at least 3 days after, (with celebrities it can be months,) in turn killing some possible outburst time with hardcore brow furrowing and a general sense of guilt and regret.


*I’m off to start work on my first coffee table book, with illustrations. Look out for it November 2011 ‘Honesty Conundrums: Six Million, Four Hundred and Thirteen Different Awkward Social Traditions and Situations.’ Fully Abridged.