The product placement extravaganza opens with a white gloved wrist and a bell. No MJ’s not been digitally recreated, and photoshopped into a handbell pose, it’s Santa. Duh. He’s on the street, and he’s jolly as fuck. His sack of presents is very small - recession on the streets y'all. A ‘hiii—aaaah’ brings Mariah into shot between not one, not three, not four but oh actually just four Christmas trees. She’s standing against a wall, provocatively, Mariah, leaning up against walls in a very very low cut, high leg dress and ringing a bell probably isn’t going to invite the right kind of attention. Oh shit – it’s a chimney – I get it. The sha-do-ba-de-do-waps begin (does anyone remember sho-do-ba-de-do-waps from the original?)
In comes Bieber with a shopping trolley – stolen from ASDA carpark on a crazy night out. And scoots past Mariah on some kind of insane supermarket sweep – she winks at him (has Dale heard MazC is stealing his moves?) another four Christmas trees flank Biebs. WOAH. You’d never guess which season they are evoking.
Bieber and chums spot Mariah sho-do-be-do-wapping Bieber enthralled; his friends less so, I’d say one of them is downright confused and unsure where he is. You are IN Chistmas dude, DEAL WITH IT.
And it kicks in. I’d really never noticed how gormless* Biebs is – although I’ve never spent that long looking at him. *Bieber fans – gormless means exceptionally-attractive-boy-child. Mariah turns to the wall to sing, maybe Santa’s stuck in there and her vibrations and bat calls are the only way to free him? Oh no – it’s fine, santa’s fine outside ring ring ringing his bell.
At this point it becomes clear either a.) Mariah doesn’t have any rhythm b.) Mariah is a one trick pony or c.) Mariah doesn’t really know what a bell is. RING IT WOMAN, don’t just toy with it.
Now Justingle starts singing. I tried to get a good freeze frame of him really needing a poo but worried about my flat getting burnt down, trust me, around 1.45-1.51 there are lots of good ‘Justingle desperate moments’.
I think my favourite thing about this musical desperado – besides now knowing all I wanted was a generic-games-console-DS from Macy’s – is how brilliantly Biebs & MazC’s voices clash on the shuddering. (Shuddering is a Christmas singing style in which you effectively impersonate chime bells through pop music, but not as prettily.) There’s a good example of class shuddering at 2:17.
Mariah, for the last time – put that bell DOWN if you are not going to use it properly. Anyone noticed how when Biebs comes down off a high note he looks both confused and pleased with himself? Oh god Biebs and MazC are in a Sleigh. With a puppy. Sorry ya’ll I can’t keep on with this, I keep imagining Justingle tripping in some reindeer wee and bashing his face off santa’s merry sled.
Ah and the quiet of unstepped on snow and saintly baby Jesus has been restored.
