Alternative Medicine: Sick Days

In my working life there have been several days I planned stepping out into the road without looking (properly) just to get a couple of days off. It seems to me, that with shit jobs, it appears more likely that one would call in with croaky morning throat sound effects and not be believed, and why? Because your hatred of the job must be apparent to others in the office yes? Therefore every time you contemplate calling in sick for normal sickness, hot flushes, cough and a banging headache it seems these symptoms become signs of deviousness and a calculated way of receiving more days off without booking annual leave.

Here are some cunning ways to call in sick to a job that may not believe you would genuinely EVER be sick just because they know you hate being underpaid and bored all day long*

Food poisoning Now this is a pretty straight forward one, but it doesn't do any harm to mention you're off to Heston Bloomingdale's several times in the lead up to your proposed day(s) off. Remember though, thou doth protest too much isn't a cliché for nothing. Don't mention it more than twice - let it sink into several co-workers’ consciousness but not their frontal lobe. Your second day off is because you've only managed to eat two digestives and you brought back up your toast when you were getting ready to return to work.

Burglary Two options here: you can either pay someone last month's salary to smash up your office, or more practically you can wake up to find OH NO the TV's gone and my auntie's gold heirlooms.

Falling off the ferry Now - this one is rather geographically specific but let's think of ferry as being any part of your journey to work that involves water. A canal, river or puddle will do. No-one wants to sit next to someone slowly mouldering in their swivel chair and smelling like frogspawn. Downsides include, risk of death by boat or pneumonia and worse - you may have to attend the office to prove your incapable of doing anything but ‘working from home’.

Getting run over Now this may seem a little extreme in practice but it's time consuming planning this one off event properly - helping you wend away the hours in work the day before your tragic mishap. Several things to bear in mind. Firstly, do you want to get bumped first thing, on the coffee run, or at lunch? Secondly, how do you go about calling in, which in turn effects the third point of consideration, did your collision involve a trip to A&E? Fourthly, injuries, obviously broken bones can be a challenge to fake so stick to mild concussion and large bruises in 'embarrassing' places. i.e. a bruise on the shin maybe available for morbid colleagues to peer at, stick with ass and belly as you're least likely to get these out on a bad day, let alone when they're all yellow and blue. If you go for the ass, remember it’s going to hurt to sit at a desk for too long (more than twenty minutes).

You've decided that you'd rather dance around in racoon poo and have rotten milk in your tea than go into work this morning. ‘Nuff said.


So, it may seem like taking a day off is as complicated as installing wired intranet system for fifteen people in subzero conditions and gale force icy winds but it is immeasurably more fun. Try it, and for tips on getting hit by a car please feel free to contact Ms Caitlin Skinner who was once bruised by one of the pesky polluting machines on Princess St.
(If you like your job this is not for you, as we all know if anything but a cheeky pest urchin devoid of stimulation/pocket money in the work place you only take genuine sick days if you're trusted to do your job well regardless.)


*No businesses were harmed in the writing of this blog, just my soul, oh look, another chunk just fell to the floor with a gigantuous clunk.

An idiot’s guide to humiliation

First and foremost you have to make sure you are putting yourself in a position out of your comfort zone. Then, find someone to support your humiliation. This supporting role can be entirely straight forward or more complex. Often the easiest way to set this up is to make sure the supporter has no idea what you're trying to achieve. For example, you want to complete a record time upside-down in the handstand arena - the supporter is the person holding your legs once you are upright. So, say you're wearing a flimsy flowery topshop skirt your supporter has to be blissfully unaware they are going to help you air your dirty laundry. Following? Good. As I previously said ignorance is a good way to start, also, if it's easier to be unspecific than provide any clarity for your supporter you’re already off to a head start.

So, we have a supporter - and the starring role goes to you. Think of all those nativities where you played a sheep - yes, this is your chance to be Joseph. The most important thing to remember is to give your supporter any opportunity to remark on how you're clearly several pegs short of a tent - always make sure you don't get to the point of the altercation - back in the record-breaking headstand scenario once you've shown Chris Akabusi your pants give up immediately. Bear in mind the main aim - you are not out there to achieve anything. There are several situations where there are added extras. Tears, dribbling a little, sweating profusely, liquids and general bodily fluids can help - but all in once you may be having a fit so watch out for that.

Join me tomorrow for a ‘how to’ on playing dead on train tracks.

Brit 2010 Award Nominations. Vol 2.

So, it seems studying the Brits 2010 nominations more than once in one week is nothing short of a chore. But, for my three faithful readers, I soldier on. To keep this interesting I will endeavour to slip in further Robbie Williams and Flight Of The Conchords quotes and lyrics (now that would be a duet to rival Leon Jackson and Kylie Minogue).

BRITs Album of 30 Years - After some hardcore interweb trawling I discovered that there has been no such award to celebrate previous Brits decade landmarks; deeming this award even more ridiculous than its insanely odd nominees. To give this a little context the BPI Awards began in 1980 and we're renamed Britannia Music Awards in 1989 hence the rebranding with nickname Brits. In the last 30 years, these things have happened in worlds of politics and music.

1982 - Michael Jackson's Thriller goes on general release.
1989 - Berlin Wall pulled down.
1990 - Margaret Thatcher, the longest serving Prime-Minister of the 20th Century and only ever woman to serve in the role; resigns.
1991 - Freddie Mercury dies of AIDS aged 45
1996 - Jay-Z releases his first album Reasonable Doubt on record label Roc-A-Fella Records created by himself, Damon Dash and Kareem Biggs
1998 - B*Witched album B*Witched is released, the first four singles are all UK number ones.
2001 - On September 11th passenger jets are flown into the World Trade Centres in NY.
2004 - Boxing Day Tsunami kills nearly 230,000 people in fourteen countries.
2009 - The first African American US President is inaugurated.

Bearing this in mind... the nominees for 'BRITs Album of 30 years' are:
Coldplay: A Rush of Blood to the Head.
Dido: No Angel
Dire Straits: Brothers in Arms
Duffy: Rockferry
Keane: Hopes & Fears
Oasis: (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?
Phil Collins: No Jacket Required
Sade: Diamond Life
The Verve: Urban Hymns
Travis: The Man Who

International Female Solo Artist
Lady Gaga - Gaga ooh la la. Work it Stephanie.
Ladyhawke - is a band
Norah Jones - eh?
Rihanna - So just pull the trigger.
Shakira - Her hips don't lie.

International Male Solo Artist
Bruce Springsteen - Glastonbury 2009
Eminem - Glastonburried
Jay-Z - Glasto-mutha-shinging-bury
Michael Buble - Glasto-shaaabaa-be-bury
Seasick Steve - That tramp what lives in Glastonbury

International Album
Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavilion - Meh
Black Eyed Peas: The End - Its ‘E.N.D’ brits.com
Empire of the Sun: Walking on a Dream - Youtube their Arias* acceptance speeches to see why this should NEVER EVER BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN.
Jay-Z: The Blueprint 3 - In moo york
Lady Gaga: The Fame - Touch my sugar cubes
*Australian music industry awards. Presented by an over-excited Sally off Home & Away. (Winners included Kiwi's if they have an Aussie postage stamp in their wallet for more than one month)

Only two to go, take a deep breath

International Breakthrough Act
Animal Collective - Bleughh
Daniel Merriweather - Just crawl up somewhere and bleed.
Empire of the Sun - Oh gawwwd.
Lady Gaga – You could be a part-time model.
Taylor Swift - Is Kayne invited?

Outstanding Contribution Award
Robbie Williams - No that's it, Sorry. I'm done. This is shagging ridiculous. If you want Robbie lyrics you can read BRITs 2010 vol. one.

Brit Award Nominations 2010

So, the 30th Brit Awards nominees have been announced by Ferne 'doesn't like drinking, just likes banging' Cotton. Bring on Cotton dressed as the 6th member of Girls Aloud - and here comes the news we've all been waiting for, yes the big G.A will be performing again at the 2010 event.. Sorry? Ah I see, nope the Geordie one will be performing* solo at the event. She realised another single? What? Will.I.AM off the Black Eyed Peas has adopted her in a weird street dancing come producing outfit? Dang blast that's annoying. I'd super hoped she'd perform "love ain't no picnic, it ain't no walk in the park' (no Chez it's not, it's an abstract noun) again. That would be amazing. Maybe as a yellow street fighter this time and Uma Thurman can do some yellow-suited sword tricks in the background. ANYWAY. I digress.
*Please note I would prefer to see Dannii Minogue performing the classic Put The Needle On It in Per Una's pregnancy line.

Go Cotton, read the prompts like you've never read them before (it's not like everyone's management will already know who's nominated for what to make sure someone off Pop turns up.)

First up, British Female Solo Artist
Bat for Lashes - 'Tash can play autoharp
Florence & the Machine – Is/are they/her not a Band
Leona Lewis - At GGs. Not in a film; 'hates' pointless publicity.
Lily Allen - Erm.
Pixie Lott - There are too many Pixies knocking about. I can’t keep up.

British Male Solo Artist
Calvin Harris - Bodies in the Bodhi tree
Dizzee Rascal - Bodies making chemistry
Mika - Bodies on my family
Paolo Nutini - Bodies in the way of me
Robbie Williams - With lyrics like this?

British Breakthrough Act, I would love to see this award based on the best break-in, instead of a Radio 1 phone vote, each act has to do a televised burglary, recorded on crap secret cameras used previously on Noel's House Party.
Florence & the Machine - They were nominated last year so this really shouldn't count.
Friendly Fires - Breakthrough?
JLS - Ah this one's for Louis
La Roux - Refer above
Pixie Lott - The same Pixie?

British Group - Suggested award prefix: Katie Price can name this
Doves
Friendly Fires
JLS - BINGO
Kasabian
Muse

MasterCard British Album - My silent protest for SuBo starts...
Dizzee Rascal - Tongue n’Cheek
Florence & the Machine - Lungs
Kasabian - West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum
Lily Allen - It’s Not Me, It’s You
Paolo Nutini - Sunny Side Up ... and ends here.

British Single - Suggested award prefix: If you have appeared on reality TV then you will be nominated for
Alesha Dixon: Breathe Slow - She IS very pretty and super lovely.
Alexandra Burke Ft Flo Rida: Bad Boys - have herpies
Cheryl Cole: Fight For This Love - Still?
Joe McElderry: The Climb - Now it's gone from the sublime to the bloody chuffing ridiculous
JLS: Beat Again - What happened to Ruth Lorenzo
La Roux: In For The Kill - Sold to a tele-box phone company advert brand thing.
Lily Allen: The Fear - Not as scared as you will be when Keith sees you've done another naked magazine shoot.
Pixie Lott: Mama Do - Refer above above
Taio Cruz: Break Your Heart - In the words of K$sha: blah blah
Tinchy Stryder Ft N-Dubz: Number 1 - There's a worm at the bottom of the garden, and his name is wiggley-woo.

Critics' Choice
Ellie Goulding - Yeah GO female singer song writers, I say we're one more off saturation. Ellie Goulding & K$sha FIGHT
Delphic - Hot Chip meets 2010 in a dark alley in 2009. Charming vocals though.
Marina and the Diamonds - Oh yeah, sorry the FIGHT should be Ellie and Marina... Maybe Jarvis Cocker can oversee.


Here's the thing. I still have seven categories to go through and I'm exhausted and I think we can all see the level of thought and insight has ground to a halt. I'll leave you with a conundrum and we'll regroup for some Internationals and the well known BRITs Album of 30 Years Award.

The Been-a-rough-ride-09 Best Artist
Cheryl Cole - She's SO brave
Joe McElderry - Bloody facebook stole my number one, nasty facebook
Leona Lewis - Seriously, was there even an album? OH YEAH Happy - that's right.
Robbie Williams - Never forget that Take That don't really want you back. Kisses.

Here's me off to check whether they did a BRITs Album of * Years Award in 1990 and 1980...

Orange Highlighters

Aged fifteen, I got into a fair few corners, scrapes and brushes with the powers that be, mostly the head of year nine. The icing on the cake was an end of year geography exam in which I became so disinterested with 90 minutes in one room, my desk exactly one metre from Jenny Briggs on my left and the door on my right that I decided to use my learned vocabulary rather than employ guess work to describe geographical terms. If you cast your mind back, in school the pen was the tool of the mind, the sword of studies, the link to a brighter future. I always used to find that my parker fountain pen wanted to take me, and my creative juices, places not necessarily on the curriculum - having spent four pounds on special parker cartridges, it was my ink.

Tattooists’ ink marks for ever, as do BSG jabs and scars on the forehead. Apparently geography inspired cheek does the same. Filling out an essay question on precipitation and its affect on urban centres, (YES, effectively what happens to rain on contact with concrete) my brain powered up and my parker went to work. Culminating in a line that was to be photocopied at least four times, so it could be highlighted without smudging ink onto a much treasured orange highlighter nib. "So, in conclusion, I don't really care about precipitation OR its affect on urban centres and seeing as this is the end of my geography career I think I may as well go out with a bang." (Bang in capitals.)

I have trawled through my school history and drawn out this enlightening tale of parker pens and overactive imaginations to illustrate how year nine geography exams invoked exactly the same feeling as insurance does in my brain lands. The only difference is, it’s brokers not precipitation and organiseit (not even a word) rather than geography. If I flip reverse this however, I do realise there is one person in their job ever who hated it more than me: my year nine geography teacher. If now by chance, I chanced across a policy renewal in which a broker mentioned it was the end of their insurance career and they would rather go out with a bang (bang in capitals) I would send it round the office with a NB saying although the turn of phrase is rather teenage in its application, it is a good and a true one, and then I would take the orange highlighter sitting on my desk, highlight something with smudging properties and throw it in the air conditioning unit and watch everyone gradually turning into sunnyD.

Conundrum de la Cowell

So the world is about to spin another day on its axis and Simon Cowell decides to drop a TV related bombshell, that, besides not literally having the force to stop the world turning, is pretty huge. He's ditching Simon Fuller's cash cow - American Idol - for his own, a star spangled X Factor. No surprises there, the big question is, who does he dress up and drag across the shiny set with him?

The X Factor began in the UK in September 2004 with Simon Cowell (off being god's gift to A&R'ing), Louis Walsh (off being Irish) and Sharon Osborne (off The Osbournes Board Game) as judges. Then in brief, Cowell added Dannii - put the needle on it - Minogue to bolster the 'judging' effort; Osbourne couldn't get a surgery that would make her look like a 35 year old sporting loads of botox so she stormed off, Tweedy, by this point Cole, minus wedding ring, is allegedly cheated on my footballer husband and is hoisted onto the pedestal of 'National Treasure' in mass sympathy led by the same tabloids that alleged her hubby had been sick down the side of a hairdresser's bed… So where does this leave us? The US judging panel needs an out of touch older gay man with a kitsch accent and out of time head bopping; an overseas pretty lady come child star in her home country’s most famous 80s TV show; and a national treasure.

Cowell has his work cut out.

Let's start with the simple. Old, gay, kitsch. Ok, so this is America. Two of the above leaves us with Clive Davis - the man who made Houston (out of play safe pottery clay) and now represents Lewis and appeared on this year's X Factor and both nodded AND clapped out of time. I don't know if he's kitsch?
Next up, an overseas pretty (botox’d to the max), childhood star with a more famous sibling. One woman, and one woman only can do this job, and she's totally toyed with the idea of a music career, Lindsay Dee Lohan. Now she may be from the US but she's definitely living on another planet. AND she has a sister who's going to embark on a career in show business in 2010. Loves it. It's like the Minogues but in the 00s, kind of. Her acts would be falling down the Sunset Strip with rats living in their hair within a week.
Finally – National Treasure. If I can take the liberty of trading in 'overseas' the job has to go to Columbia's national treasure. Not only has she set up twenty schools with her Pies Descalzos Foundation educating underprivileged children in Columbia, her accent is not nearly as hard to follow as Britain's National Treasure's can be and you wouldn't catch Antonio De La Rúa being sick down the side of a hairdresser's bed. Fingers crossed Shakira Shakira would get her acts to do trumpet impressions in the instrumentals of their performances.

Stranger befriending: Australia's Top Five

In the mood of all things ending (decade wise, not life wise) and therefore needing a top ten - top ten films, top ten celebrity outrages, top ten celebrity dogs and their jackets - here are my top five things I have noticed about Australia and person to person communication in public.

1. Sales. Start with a topical one. 'Boxing day' sales. Since when is it normal to go into a store mobbed by people making a hash out of finding clothes for $20 less than $150 and expect the sales staff to be jovial and ask about your day. Verbatim: (whilst searching through a sale rail of dresses in surf sand and something) "Hey there, how's it going" "Are you talking to me?" "Yes. It's busy hey" "Sorry, I've got wet feet. I'm in a bit of a bad mood. Do you mind?" "Sure. No worries"

These situations will now be described in verbatim. It leaves more to the imagination - and gives a clue to the oddity of the situations. (This may be a good point to give up.)

2. Bars. Buying a drink. "How you doing" "Yeah good" "What can I get you" "House white and, erm, what else is on happy hour" "Toohees, and yeah wine" "Cool, well a Toohees then please" "What you been up to today" "At work. Rubbish" "Yeah I know, weather's been crap too. Where do you work" "Oh erm, well insurance. Kinda" "Oh" "I know. It's pretty shit, but pays the bill, ah ha ha" "Eight dollars please" "Cheers"

3. Newsagents. "You having a good day" "Erm" "Just this" "Bit busy, it's hot out" "What?" "Oh You?" "What?" "You asked about my day" "Oh" "How much?"

4. In my workplace, in the kitchen. Coffee in the morning/making lunch. Silence "Oh sorry" "No worries" "..." "You have a good weekend" "Yeah thanks... You?" "Yeah I ... *insert detail ..." "Ah ha ha. Ooops, sorry, I didn't mean to nervously spill coffee all over the counter. I think I've had too much coffee, I can't see properly" "Some more GREAT chat"

5. In the street. "Ouch" "..." "You just walked into me and didn't notice. Ah well. Seems to be the way..."