It must be so difficult when you're a sexy young man and your girl is just causing problems by being alive

What do you mean.

A phrase often employed to find out what, exactly, someone is referring to. But more recently a lyric, set to music, performed by a young Canadian laddy who has also taken to getting naked on balconies. Said Canadian has legions of followers on twitter, over 68 million, 73 million on facebook and his fansicles are called Beliebers. So I’m led to belieb.

What do you mean? Catchy huh?

Better make up your mind what do you mean.

The young man in question is struggling to work out what his girlfriend wants. Honestly, this is probably because he’s not making her feel at ease. If you feel comfortable with someone you’re more likely to just come out and say, ‘Oh yes, this is what I mean’. You wouldn't even start with indecision – you’d just be like, ‘oh I’m quite happy with dinner in tonight and Strictly: It Takes Two and then some Netflix. God Jay is good isn’t he’. (And he would recognise Jay is quite good as this is not an area where indecision is ever a factor.) Done.

It must be so difficult when you're a sexy young man and your girl is just causing problems by being alive.

I don’t know if you’re happy or complaining. RING THE ALARM! You can’t tell if she’s happy OR complaining? ARE YOU LOOKING AT HER? Oh god. Don't tell me this is a whatsapp relationship. COMMENCE MESSAGING: Girrrrrl  you are so hot. Girrrrrrl I wanna see you. Bae bae bae. (three hours pass.) OH. I was napping. Sorry. You’re so hot… and it rolls on. The Canadian is so one of those boys that messages nice things and then takes a nap without wrapping up the chat politely.

You want to make a point but keep preaching. Well, maybe if you were patient she would get to her point. You’re all distracted aren’t you? Avoiding eye contact, skirting around the issue, turning away, murmuring and fidgeting. Pulling a hoody over your stupid quiff. Don’t get me started on your clothes young man.

You wanna argue all day and make-a love all night. UH YES. BECAUSE THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING FUN TO DO WITH YOU, YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME ANYWAY. Plus you stop whining when we do it.

K babes, there's room for us to be more straightforward (sexy reverb whisper at 3.05) with our communications. But chicken. Sometimes it starts with you? What do you mean? This inability to be straightforward is not one-sided and frankly you can be a wee monkey, acting up and generally being bloody annoying.

I have taken the bieliberty of applying your phrase in some simple dating situations. Don't say I'm not about equality. Maybe it does have an application after all.... what do you...?

‘I’m sorry I didn't make it over to yours I was having a nap’
What do you mean?

‘I just don’t think we want the same things, but I don’t know what to do about it’
What do you mean?

‘You’re really hot, but I like her too and want to see if it works out with her, it might not and I’ll call you? Ok?’
What DO you mean?

‘SORRY I WAS NAPPING’.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

‘I actually really like you and this is exciting and I think you’re really beautiful and would like to see you again.’
Wait. What? Eh? What do you mean?

A date is basically a series of lubricated lies - so lolz to playing the feminist card.

 

I am fully paid up feminist – and I am a big fan of the term ‘equalitist’ too.

The thing I come back to all the time as a feminist, is seeing it as a means to support other women. I find the fight comes quite naturally to me – I want us all to have the same opportunities as men without having to push for them but the fight is often required to avoid blatant disadvantage. This is still the big split isn’t it? The ingrained advantages that men are just born with and can chose to live by without having to ask for anything different.

I have been writing about what dating is like as I go, navigating my generation's current identity stramash. And then I saw a comment is free, YES ACTUALLY, about dates with male feminists, UH HUH, and once I'd done being annoyed at how stupid it was and the death of journalism... well....

All in all I actually realised I’m a bit shit at dating. I am generally unimpressed by men, oh, and anyone that isn’t a mate. AND I can’t hide what I am thinking from my face. #winning

The thing with guys playing the feminist card on a date, is it’s the same as ANYTHING EVER anyone says when there’s sexual tension or an expectation of sex. It becomes game-play. It’s all about bravado, showing off, the display. Chatting feminism on a date has just become a new kind of peacocking. It doesn’t mean nada. And this is the thing, (staying outside the debate of whether men can actually be feminists) – any political movement we sign up to, can only be demonstrated by our actions and the way we treat the people around us and that we interact with day to day.

The funny things ‘feminist’ men have said to me on dates, on sofas, in bars, beds, shoe-less walks home, line up exactly with the stupid things men who have not declared an interest either way. And I’m sure the stupid things I’ve said to try and get laid match up the other way round. (I DON'T LIKE TO CYCLE ON GRASS... I SAID THAT ONCE. Me either.) I’m sure Swifty is working on a new single about this.

You can read the comment is free thing here. I keep a note of the stupidest things I say on dates, and the oddest things said to me. A date is basically a series of lubricated lies isn’t it? In the same way tinder is kinda msn messenger but you’re not even chatting to people you like.

I am a feminist – and I live by a code that I like to think is about equality, and I get angry every day about how things work verses how they could and should work. But there is one sacred place for lies and putting together sentences you would never dare say with a serious face to anyone you actually trust. And that place is date-land. Let’s not change that. How else am I going to gather stories to entertain all my friends?

Oh and guys, if I smile and flick my hair, I wouldn’t rate it. I’m just trying to get in your pants. See, you play the feminist card; I can play my feminine card. Natch.