Brit Award Nominations 2010

So, the 30th Brit Awards nominees have been announced by Ferne 'doesn't like drinking, just likes banging' Cotton. Bring on Cotton dressed as the 6th member of Girls Aloud - and here comes the news we've all been waiting for, yes the big G.A will be performing again at the 2010 event.. Sorry? Ah I see, nope the Geordie one will be performing* solo at the event. She realised another single? What? Will.I.AM off the Black Eyed Peas has adopted her in a weird street dancing come producing outfit? Dang blast that's annoying. I'd super hoped she'd perform "love ain't no picnic, it ain't no walk in the park' (no Chez it's not, it's an abstract noun) again. That would be amazing. Maybe as a yellow street fighter this time and Uma Thurman can do some yellow-suited sword tricks in the background. ANYWAY. I digress.
*Please note I would prefer to see Dannii Minogue performing the classic Put The Needle On It in Per Una's pregnancy line.

Go Cotton, read the prompts like you've never read them before (it's not like everyone's management will already know who's nominated for what to make sure someone off Pop turns up.)

First up, British Female Solo Artist
Bat for Lashes - 'Tash can play autoharp
Florence & the Machine – Is/are they/her not a Band
Leona Lewis - At GGs. Not in a film; 'hates' pointless publicity.
Lily Allen - Erm.
Pixie Lott - There are too many Pixies knocking about. I can’t keep up.

British Male Solo Artist
Calvin Harris - Bodies in the Bodhi tree
Dizzee Rascal - Bodies making chemistry
Mika - Bodies on my family
Paolo Nutini - Bodies in the way of me
Robbie Williams - With lyrics like this?

British Breakthrough Act, I would love to see this award based on the best break-in, instead of a Radio 1 phone vote, each act has to do a televised burglary, recorded on crap secret cameras used previously on Noel's House Party.
Florence & the Machine - They were nominated last year so this really shouldn't count.
Friendly Fires - Breakthrough?
JLS - Ah this one's for Louis
La Roux - Refer above
Pixie Lott - The same Pixie?

British Group - Suggested award prefix: Katie Price can name this
Doves
Friendly Fires
JLS - BINGO
Kasabian
Muse

MasterCard British Album - My silent protest for SuBo starts...
Dizzee Rascal - Tongue n’Cheek
Florence & the Machine - Lungs
Kasabian - West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum
Lily Allen - It’s Not Me, It’s You
Paolo Nutini - Sunny Side Up ... and ends here.

British Single - Suggested award prefix: If you have appeared on reality TV then you will be nominated for
Alesha Dixon: Breathe Slow - She IS very pretty and super lovely.
Alexandra Burke Ft Flo Rida: Bad Boys - have herpies
Cheryl Cole: Fight For This Love - Still?
Joe McElderry: The Climb - Now it's gone from the sublime to the bloody chuffing ridiculous
JLS: Beat Again - What happened to Ruth Lorenzo
La Roux: In For The Kill - Sold to a tele-box phone company advert brand thing.
Lily Allen: The Fear - Not as scared as you will be when Keith sees you've done another naked magazine shoot.
Pixie Lott: Mama Do - Refer above above
Taio Cruz: Break Your Heart - In the words of K$sha: blah blah
Tinchy Stryder Ft N-Dubz: Number 1 - There's a worm at the bottom of the garden, and his name is wiggley-woo.

Critics' Choice
Ellie Goulding - Yeah GO female singer song writers, I say we're one more off saturation. Ellie Goulding & K$sha FIGHT
Delphic - Hot Chip meets 2010 in a dark alley in 2009. Charming vocals though.
Marina and the Diamonds - Oh yeah, sorry the FIGHT should be Ellie and Marina... Maybe Jarvis Cocker can oversee.


Here's the thing. I still have seven categories to go through and I'm exhausted and I think we can all see the level of thought and insight has ground to a halt. I'll leave you with a conundrum and we'll regroup for some Internationals and the well known BRITs Album of 30 Years Award.

The Been-a-rough-ride-09 Best Artist
Cheryl Cole - She's SO brave
Joe McElderry - Bloody facebook stole my number one, nasty facebook
Leona Lewis - Seriously, was there even an album? OH YEAH Happy - that's right.
Robbie Williams - Never forget that Take That don't really want you back. Kisses.

Here's me off to check whether they did a BRITs Album of * Years Award in 1990 and 1980...