We may work like Olympians but exhaustion ain't no competition

When I was in the first few years of high school physics I remember learning about how when electricity is conducted down loads of different avenues it always remains the same voltage. So instead of the (uh logical duh) option of electricity splitting in amount when it is routed down two wires from one source, both wires carry the same amount. I say this, as a bit of an analogy for how the arts works.

The mainstay of my work, and my company, for the last three years has been festivals. Arts festivals, work spanning venues and artists, producers and shows.

When you take on one project at a Fringe, you smash yourself into it with every ounce of yourself. When you take on two, that energy is not split but doubled. Same for 5, 10, 20 strings to your bow. Each requires the same energy as if it were just one project.

Watching Olympians perform I understand that feeling of pushing a little harder, that moment at the end of a sprint where you find energy and power that you didn’t know you had in you. And I am one of hundreds of people at this festival who entirely understand that feeling; dismiss it, and push on through.

There are two problems with this level of commitment to a job. One, is fatigue, and two is competition about the visible level of commitment to the role. Who worked hardest; who had the fewest days off; who is stuck in one place for the most hours; who is taking the most risk. I’m usually much more of a party girl than this year, but possible fatigue induced illness has rendered me slightly off kilter and where I would find that 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th wind I find myself retreating, with my laptop, to double and triple check things over a cup of tea and some vitamin supplements.

There is something about the way we apply ourselves so vigorously to every task with the same energy, expectation and precision that we feel everything keenly, like the princess on her pea. Every layer of stress and self-expectation piled up, always aware of that wee bump right through all the layers.

I don't want to compete over exhaustion. That's plain bonkers. When we talk about this crazy-ass storm we've thrown ourselves into, I want a smile and a 'I know, we're idiots, bumz right', not a riff-off over who's the most burnt out. #martyr

Trying not to get sucked into it is key to me this time round. But it’s hard. I’m not at 100% and it’s breaking my heart. Although, I guess I get points for managing to make myself ill before the festival even started? Non? Promise, it’s not a competition.